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 Friday, January 31, 2003
I haven't really posted in awhile and for those of you who are waiting for some emotional garbage are waiting for some more emotional garbage, and I aim to please. I have noticed a growing pattern in the readers of my blog. Most of them don't like me very much. It is amusing, because why would someone who didn't like me invest so much time in reading this thing. And then once more, when they are done reading it, instead of taking it at face value, they read into it and then draw some grand conclusion about who they think I am. ( which is normally wrong ) Ahh well.. Let them think what they want. I have gone my entire life with no one truly knowing who I am, I can go forever that way if need be. Now, don't get me wrong, there are people who know plenty about me and have an accurate view about me. Frank, Mike, Jacob, and Anjali... are the few who I would say I have been the most open about myself with. (Did that sentence make sense?) HMMM? Moving on to news. Nothing really major has been going on. On Wednesday night I was walking around campus and the night was sooo beautiful. I never knew UCF could hold such beauty, but that night it was amazing how this place turned into something magical. Also that night I had my creative writing course. We have started a new genre of writing. Now we must write a true story about ourselves and about something that has not been resolved or fully understood. I got plenty of things to write about with that one. I will write about a friend that I have lost and I still don't fully understand the reasoning as to why they left in such a hurry if they cared so much about me as they had claimed. I already started it, and really.. I am discovering a lot about myself, more than I am the topic. I don't like me very much. So that is it for that. Oh! I started work at Subway. I hate working fast food. But I needed the money, so now I am a sandwhich artist. It is ok work. I don't hate it, and Mike gave me some experience from the couple of times I went to help him at Quizzno's. A jobs a job. It is the one in Oviedo by the Wendy's, so if anyone gets the urge.. drop by sometime. :) Well, for now I will wish you all a good day. I love you Frank. I love friends! ( All three of you!) Later.
posted by lauren at 8:18 AM
Thursday, January 30, 2003
posted by lauren at 10:37 PM
Monday, January 27, 2003
Ok.. First I have to say that I hate being mean but I am so good at it it makes me shiver. Second I have to say that I really wish I could type better when I am angry because I have a huge problem with that. But emotion takes over and my hands and tongue slip. Third, stop posting my stuff on your blogs.. geez. I don't mind Mike, Anjali, Frank, or Jacob having links to my things.. they are my friends and my life is an open book to them. That's right .. feel the love guys! Anyway.. I do not have an outburst for now. Already got that done in other areas. So to all that deserve it... I LOVE YOU GUYS! To the rest: Have a long happy life..far away from me!
posted by lauren at 10:18 PM
Congratulations, you're Las Vegas, Sin City.
What US city are you? Take the quiz by Girlwithagun.
posted by lauren at 10:14 PM
Friday, January 24, 2003
PPS- I love all my friends too! Just in a different way ... umm .. yeah... Love you Mike, Jacob, Shane, Mike C., Phillip, Tj, Denny, and yes... even Anjali, and all the others who aren't as tight but are still cool in my book.. and to all those I love but are jerks to me.. love you too.
posted by lauren at 10:21 AM
PS- I LOVE YOU FRANK!
posted by lauren at 10:19 AM
You are right Anjali that was a lot of quizzes. Silly me. I really must learn to now make it so people can comment on my blog, which I will get around to eventually.. or wait for Frank to do it. So, anyway I saw the Hours last night. WOW! How depressing can one movie be? Don't get me wrong it was wonderful, but it was like every depressed, insane, suicidal, etc.. etc.. thought I have ever had put up on a movie screen for all the world to see. So needless to say afterwards I was a bit down. Frank cheered me up the best way he knew how, but even still I ended up talking about the past and all the things that have made me the ball of emotion and intensity that I am now. I cried a lot and he listened a lot. He is good at that and I love him for it. He never judges which is the nicest thing because he loves me for the person I am.. the good with the bad. I am not idealized. I am Lauren.. whoever that is. The only person other than him who has not judged me by what people have said prior to what they learned when they met me and got to know me themselves is Mike. He was always defending me when he and I first came together from teh slander of others. He never believed something negative until he talked to me first. YOU ROCK MIKE. I never realized how much that meant to me until last night, or the fact that you were the only one like that until Frank came along. To often people like others for the person they see them as, not the person they truly are. Which I have to admit I have been guilty of on more than one occasion. It truly is a crime not to know someone for who they truly are rather than someone you wish them to be. I am not saying don't have high hopes for a person or want them to be better than they are because one can always improve upon themselves. That is why we learn. What I am saying is that you can't expect someone to change you can only be there when they do and hope it is in a direction that is favorable and love them throughout their stages of life. A person only changes with time adn if they truly want it to happen, or let it happen. Either way. I am just rambling philosophies now. So as my readers, you must pardon me. I will go back now to something else I was thinking about last night. Not to sound conceded.. but I really think I could eventually make it as a writer/ teacher. My creative writing teacher has only had positive thing to say, which gives me hope. ( Now I know all of you are thinking but you can't spell... etc. etc. It is really not aproblem with editors and computers these days.. It is content that matters.) But then I thought do I really want to put all my works out there one day, most of which have to do with my own life, and have them judged by everyone? Frank didn't understand this, being the performer that he is, because he thinks you should not care what others think. I explained it like this... No, I don't really care what a mass of readers would think. What it would come down to is the fact that I have been misjudged by others my enitre life and because of that it has deeply affected/ effected ( which is it?) me. For instance.. When I was in AOF there were a lot of nasty rumors spred about me from my lovely ex Chris... ( asshole ) and for about five years now I am still hearing things people have said about me to people I care about, trying to cause them to feel differently about me, as a result of those rumors and that time in my life. As a result of this everything that has been thought makes me paranoid. So why wouldl I put out everything I have ever thought and felt within the stories I write for more misinterpretation. But then again why do I put most everything I feel up on this blog? It is because I want people to understand me for who I really am.. Not what they think I am or heard I am. That is all for today. I am drained. Tune in for another rant presented to you by Lauren Sorger... Wacko extraordinaire!
posted by lauren at 10:19 AM
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
OK I am done for the day! Enjoy.
posted by lauren at 12:43 PM
discover what candy you are @ stvlive.com
I am not sure if I agree.. but I know all my guy friends would.
posted by lauren at 12:38 PM
Well the sign of affection one isn't working but I am kiss on the lips- sweet and simple but quite daring. You move for the kill confidently knowing the other person wants the same thing.
posted by lauren at 12:28 PM
What swear word are you? brought to you by Quizilla
posted by lauren at 12:25 PM
Now that I have gotten over my computer stupid phase I am going to post the quizzes I have taken and not posted.
posted by lauren at 12:18 PM
HA HA HA! I am Affy. What do you think about that Frank? It is the most amazing thing to have a lover and a complete friend all wrapped up into one. I have never had a relationship where I felt I could be completely honest with a person and completely open. Now I have it. There have been no real barriers.. and the ones that are there are be broken down at an alarming rate. Now, don't get me wrong.. I was completely close to Mike and to Jacob when I was with them. I love them both very much in seperate but equal ways.. as I have put it before. But even with them I held back because I was afraid. Of what? Well the usual things. Of lose and of pain and of what they would think about me if I told the whole truth. Now, as friends I think I could tell more to Mike, although he would be the person who would fight me most on my beliefs and feelings. BUt that is ok. I enjoy his opposite perspective now, because I can apprechiate it from the person perspective, rather than the boyfriend who is supposed to support me thing. What I have learned is that he will support me no matter what.. He just won't always if ever agree. (That is what Anjali is for anyway.. The agreeable part.) With Jacob.. I knwo he knows me very well but there are things he has chosen not to believe or not to see in the past as truth and that made a rift with us. One I hope we will work through as the close friends we were and are. I consider you both the best of friends. The ones that no matter what I will always care about and always seek to be near. Frank I consider as more than that beacuse he is able to be both where I have failed or something has fautered in the past. And I am grateful for all three more than I would have thought. I don't have very many close friends and the ones I do have are wonderful in their owen unique ways... despite any short comings which are just things that one has to except or work through. I am also thankful for new friends like Shane and Mike Corr. THose two are awesome and wonderful to be around. *SMILE* Although I am saden greatly by the friends I have lost I am glad I have retained and gained the friends I have. I LOVE YOU GUYS! Until a later time.
posted by lauren at 12:16 PM
Wow, I am posting within a twenty four hour time period. That never happens. Well not recently anyway. I am not really sure what to say as is the norm by now. But then I always come up with something and write this huge post. My posts must be sad.... hmmm... what do I write about. Really I guess there is plenty I could bitch about. But really that is all I feel I am doing. It seems so trite. I mean most of everything I talk about is important to me but eventually,even to me, it just sounds like wah wah wah. I find I am fighting more and more with the various sides of my mind. There is the sweet tee hee side that I keep out a lot, the side that wants to beat that side bloody, the depressed side, the insecure little girl side, etc. etc. The sides that everyone has but most of the time refuse to acknowledge in the quest of finding who they truly are or want themselves to be. This post will consist of many random thoughts.. so pardon. Once again writing class has given me a gem. My not so fictional, fictional story is working out nicely. Now I get to take it to class and have it torn apart... which I actually enjoy. It is nice to get new perspectives and then take them or leave them as I see fit for my work. My work. That has a nice ring to it. God I can't wait for the future. I realize that most of you are probably reading my blog going but you can't type or spell. Well that is what publishers and spell check are for. :) Frank says he is going straight to the top in the entertainment industry.. well baby... I am going straight to the top in the literature world. No, not like Stephan King... but like Jane Austin, Virginia Wolfe, Chaucer, etc. At least that is what I am hoping for. Whoa wait... glimmer of hope. I need to cut that out. Jumping from the mood of the original story is bad form. Well, insecure me has comeout a lot lately. And with her the evil side has come to protect everyone else with her cruel defenses. Those of you who know me well know both sides. I feel violent, like someone who disagree with my liking could fall prey to evil, while the other sides sit and blink in horror.. being able to do nothing but stare. Of course I will not act. That would not be civil. But every now and again... It would be so nice to give into instinct. Perhaps that is why I always give into the one instinct that is somewhat excepted by society? I don't know. I think I will end this post for now.But I will leave it on a happy note. I love you Frank. And yes talking to you at the end of the night always leaves me with fuzzies. Even with all the garbage that I have in my life that I need to deal with I can still count on that as a happy moment in every day. I love you. Good night to all. Have a good day tomorrow.
posted by lauren at 12:25 AM
Monday, January 20, 2003
Hello! I don't really know what to write but I really feel I should get into the habbit of writing int his more often.. more or less for those who don't really see me all that often and are wondering what is going on. Tonight Frank and I are taking his sister out for her birthday, which I am looking forward to because I really like his sister. Frank's Grandma is here and from the second she got here, she latched onto my side and has not let go. Don't get me wrong, this is not a bad thing. She is really really nice. What I don't understand is how I end up connecting so well with my boyfriends families. Not that that is a bad thing either. Just mind boggling. On the darker note, which you all knew my blog would take, I really am having a hard time liking people in general. I am still fighting old demons from the past. And no, not my past with mike.. but like four to five years ago past. That's right rumors about me from back in the day have been resurfacing and trying to bite me in the ass once again. Mike knows what I am talking about. So, here is the thing.. I heard from Frank that Jessi told him to watch out because I was a lier and manipulative...etc.etc. Yes, I can be but I have only told the truth since you knew me as that person (with the exception of to my parents and to protect myself or to make myself feel what I didn't feel in the interest of making others happy(also a large mistake)). I am not the one who lied to my boyfriend about my feelings and then more or less cheatedon him instead of telling him straight outhow I felt.. maybe saving you both some pain. Damn. Don't talk about others until you take a good hard look at yourself. Then if you still feel like you can talk you talk to me and see if you are right. I have no reason to lie about anything. And that goes for everyone really. Lying is just bad juju, and only causes problems. Grumblre grumble. I think I am done now. I am also made about the golden globe awards. WHY THE HELL DIDN"T DANIEL DAY LEWIS GET IT FOR BEST ACTOR!!!??? He is so amazing and way out did Jack's performance. Oh well.. I go for now. Mike I love you too and thank you for your kind words and support. Frank baby.... love you soooooo much!!! Have a good day everyone.
posted by lauren at 5:04 PM
Thursday, January 16, 2003
Grumble... Why is it that everytime things seem to be going well, or at least better, things just get knocked back down again and old insecurities get turned into current ones. Damn there is really no escape. I guess the upside to that is it makes for good writing material. I am taking a core class this semester that is a creative writing class for english majors and there is an assignment due every week ( because the class only meets once a week for three hours.) Most of my writing has come from events within the last three years.. which means it is making for some pretty depressing stuff. So, I am putting myself into a stupper.But it is all about the grades baby.. and all about publishing, and because people tend to eat that stuff up I will make my fame and career off of my own baggage. Wow, somehow that is even more sad. Other than that not much is going on. I no longer work at Target, so I have to find a new job this week. School is going ok. My schedule is to my liking, and I actaully really like the fact that I am taking a computer course. It is interesting to me. Much more than I thought it would be. I am actually thinking about a career change. ( haha made you look) No, I would never do that but I do enjoy the class. Hmm.. what else? I haven't posted in so long that I am forgetting things that I wanted to post about in the past. Oh well. I wish I could write my emotions in the raw way that Jacob does. Mine just kind of fall out of my mouth and then I am left to sort htem in fictional story in class. I want them to be epic. But really what can expect from 19 years of living. Not to damn much. I miss my friends. I miss seeing some people everyday. I miss myself more tan anything. I am not sure if I will ever know which side I present to the public or to myself is the real me. Oh well.. here's to the search I guess. I go for now. I will post again later.
posted by lauren at 4:00 PM
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