Like Mike has and still does feel when ever he hurts the ones he loves, I feel guilty and horrible for some of the things I have done and said throughout the years. I know I haven't always been the best friend or the best girlfriend, I haven't always done all I could, or been all I should to one person or another. Now, because I can't apologize to most of a one on one basis... I would like to say I am sorry if I have ever hurt you. I lvoe all my friends, or former ones, and you will all be apart of me, my heart, and my thoughts everyday. I miss you, those who no longer talk to me, and I wish things were different. I miss you, those who I see too rarely for comfort, and I wish our lives crossed paths more often. I miss you, those who I see often but wish I could spend more time with. To Mike, because i can single him out, I am sorry for all the hurt that has and does still lie between us. I love you , and I love t he fact that we are still trying to be in each others lives despite the past. You have made a great impact on me and I have been so blessed to have been with you and had the chance to know you as well as I do. You are a good friend. To Anjali, I am sorry for the first couple of months that I caused you problems. (August to early December) You are wonderful and I am glad you and I are better friends now. I just needed to work through my insanity and getting over Mike is not easy. You know what I mean. To Casey, I wish I truly knew what I did. I wish you would talk to me. But if it was truly my fault I want to take it all back. I miss your friendship. It is hard to be without you in my life. You are amazing, despite faults we both share, and I want nothing more than to talk to you again. ( I know he doesn't read this but I wanted to say it anyway) To Jacob, I don't know what happened to us. It was my fault and yours. I am still willing to fight for this friendship, but you have decided against it and I wish I could tell you I understand, but I don't. I am sorry for my part in this and that I hurt you. To Frank, I know I can become a total nightmare when I am stresssed or upset. I want you to know that I apprechiate youso much. That is something I never let Mike know enough and one of the things that ruined us. I know you work hard at this and that you are determined to make our relationship last. I am as well. Your my angel. We save each other from ourselves and make it work as a unit as well as individuals. I want yu to know how much you mean and how good of a person you are. I am sorry if you ever feel that you are not worth all that you are. I love you. And I love you all more than you could ever know. My heart aches for the pressure of loving you, Frank and my dear friends. It aches for those I can no longer be beside and for those at present. I love you. Thank you for all you have given me. I will never forget it.
posted by lauren at 2:22 PM

I'm alone
Yeah I don't know if I can face the night

I'm in tears
And the crying that I do is for you

Without your love
I'm nothing but a beggar
Without your love
A dog without a bone
What can I do
I'm sleeping in this bed alone

Baby baby baby
Your my angel
Come and save me tonight
Your my angel
Come and make it alright

Don't know what I'm gonna do
About this feeling inside
Yes it true
Lonliness took me for a ride

I want your love
Let's break the walls between us
Don't make it tough
I'll put away my pride
enoughs enough
I've suffered and I've seen the light

Baby baby baby
Your my angel
Come and save me tonight
Your my angel
Come and make in alright

Your the reason I live
Your the reason I die
Your the reason I give
When I break down and cry
Don't need no reason why

Your my angel
Come and save me tonight
Your my angel
Come and make it alright

posted by lauren at 2:09 PM

which one of no doubt's major opening acts are you?


EEP! Another Shocker!
posted by lauren at 10:24 AM

what tragic kingdom song are you?










find out who you are here

At least I got to do Gwen!









find out which no doubt album you are here










which one of no doubt's significant others are you?


That wacko is married..? See Frank there is hope for us!
posted by lauren at 10:20 AM

I think all guys should take the last quiz. It would be interesting to see, if our men were gay, who they would be with.
posted by lauren at 10:11 AM

HMMM? I never would have guessed this one... but hey! Sorry Frank.. me in Jude will see you in a bit! (You know I am kidding.. in the doghouse I go.) And by-the-way.. IT IS ALL ABOUT THE GREEN EYES BABY!


Jude Law: you like them romantic and British with
beauiful green eyes.


Which guy are you destined to have sex with?
brought to you by Quizilla
posted by lauren at 10:10 AM

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR MIKE! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
posted by lauren at 3:50 PM

HELLO! So anyway, the rest of my Valentine's Weekend was wonderful! Friday night Frank and I went to see DareDevil, which for what I was expecting, blew chunks! I mean you go to see those movies for the fight scenes and do to lack of fighting skill or creativity or both, all the fighting scenes consisted of was camera angles, flashing lights, and cuts. The only fights the showed was with Jennifer Garner, probably because she does her own fighting in her show. Furthermore, Ben was a puss in that movie. He gets stabbed in the shoulder and then he is out of the fight. His girlfriend however, gets her weapon thrown through her hand, pulls it out, gets stabbed with it through the back, then thrown off a building, and still manages to crawl over to Ben before she dies. Damn. But that night was wonderful as usual, after the movie. (oh and thank you for the flowers baby.. they were beautiful!)

Saturday was the night Frank was taking me to Pleasure Island for dancing. I got out of work at five and Frank met me there so that I could do some shopping, being that I had nothing to wear that I thought suitable. I bought a pair of butt pants, because I have a good ass. (I am sorry I need to like something about my body.. and that is it) and Frank bought me a black, silk, japanese style shirt that was marked down from eighty dollars to twenty dollars! Woot! Thank you Frank! I also bought this really hot beaded neckless that I couldn't live without, blowing the rest of the money my Dad gave me for Valentine's. After that Frank and I went back to my house for dinner and chilled before it was time to get ready and go. I ironed his cloths, after I got ready, and made him shave... well because... and he looked hot let me tell you what! So.. now we are off. When we got to Pleasure Island we were bummed to see that the only techno club was twenty one and up so we ran around to all the other clubs finding one that we wanted to spend a lot of time in. We spent most of the night in MOTION, the bump-n-grind club. I think Frank was intimidated by the fact that I have been clubbing quite a bit and my dancing skills were atuned to that style of music. But it was a very good night of dancing! While we were there Frank bought me this awesome print of the Disney Villians, which I absolutely love!! I really need to stop letting him buy me things. So, after PI closed at two we went to IHOP, where I got completly frustrated with the peg IQ test thing, and we ate breakfast. God I love pancakes and blueberry syrup. YUM YUM. After that Frank drove my car home and I slept. I was exhuasted. Then we fell asleep together, and it was an amazing feeling. I love waking up to you Frank.

Sunday, Frank picked me up from work and we watched Schindler's List. WOW! I love it. Then he went home and that brings us to today. We are all updated now! Woo Hoo!

Oh I did have a few more comments. Mike, don't worry. You didn't hurt my feelings. I know how you are with what you feel and I respect you opinion and for the most part you were right. Still doesn't make what I feel go away. Only makes it seem silly. Love ya and it is all good.

AND AND AND... FRANK LET ME DRIVE HIS CAR, HIS BABY, HIS ONE AND ONLY. (NEXT TO ME!) Not only did he let me drive it, but he let me drive it without him in it. Yippie! He must trust me. (right where I want him... Did i say that? hehehe) Ok I am all done now. Love you guys! Later.
posted by lauren at 11:18 AM

OK the other thing now that I was thinking about. I called Jacob to widh him a happy Valentine's Day and he was rather short with me so I was hurt about that, but then as I was walking to the ATM I encountered him and Stina. Again he treated me like someone who you vaguely remember from highschool but you were never really close with. You have no idea how much that hurt, annoyed, and pissed me off. Towards me he has become a bitter and disconnected person. (Which really I shouldn't expect much else.. but.. I do) I thought he was my best friend, one of the last ones I had left and now this. So, yet another one of my friends has decided to pull that I am going to stop caring about Lauren deal, because well.. I can. What have I done. DAmn.. this can't be a fluke. Its got to be something I am doing to have every friend I have ever had treat me like I was never their friend to begin with. Hmph. Well, I still have Frank, Shane, Mike W., Anjali, MIke C., and my family. So, I guess I am not to bad off. (oh and Melo too...I am starting to like her more and more.) I just wish I knew how to make everyone happy. I wish I knew how to make myself happy.(Blow up subway... yeah!) Oh well, have a good one all. I love you guys.
posted by lauren at 12:24 PM

OK .. I hate blogger. I wrote this really long blog and then it didn't post it. Argh. So here we go again. Last night I more or less had a break down in front of Frank, do to various stresses. Here is how the night went. We were on the first of the three Valentine's celebrations that we are taking part in. First, he came over to my house and we exchanged gifts ( we both did pretty well for one another), followed by dinner at P.F. Chang's were we exchanged a pleasant conversation and atmoshpere over way over priced food. After that we scooted off to see the 10:30 showing of Adaptation, because we wanted to see what all the Oscar hype was about. (it is well worth the hype it has been given, by-the-way) Then we drove back to my house listening and singing to the Chicago soundtrack. WEll, it was really late by this time and I was thinking of skipping my morning class in the interest of sleep, so I went only to check and see if I could, depending on what we were covering in class. I noticed when I reached the website that our test scores were posted and that I had done really really bad. So, I freaked out no tunderstanding why the previous week of testing had gone so badly for me. Then freaking out turned into panic and thoughts about failing out of college and about never again being able to sleep because all I do is work six days a week, study, and see Frank. And then that gave way to thoughts of not being able to see Frank anymore and breaking up with him so that I would be able to go through school and work and not worry about anything else. By this point I was a complete wreck. I haven't cried so hard in 8 month. Frank kept calm however. He kissed my forehead and stroked my hair, telling me it would be allright. When I had stopped crying long enough for him to get a sentence in he simply told me that although it would break his heart for us to be apart, if that is what I needed he would understand. Well, being the baby I am I what......? started to cry again. After like an hour more of this I decided that I was not going to lose Frank no matter what I had to do to get my life straight and keep him it is as well. HE is the best thing to happen to me in a long time and I don't want to give that yp. So, thank you baby for being supportive. You have shown me time and time agian that you are going to stand by me no matter what. I love you. Here's to the next two Valentine's celebrations.
posted by lauren at 12:18 PM

OK! Like Frank I have a short attention span and needed to change my blog. Plus, I think the fire fits me better. Seeing as though I am a little devil, and all. I will post more later I promise. But for now... HOMEWORK!
posted by lauren at 11:36 AM

Hello again! Well.. I ran into Casey in the student union and I got the answer out of him I needed to further presue the short story I am writing for Creative Writing! Howver, the incounter was cold, and it has been the first time I had seen him in over a month, maybe two. He really doesn't care anymore. WOW? I still don't understand this form of defense mechanism that humans seem so easily able to accomplish. This is part of what I am writing about for class. What we were supposed to do is write about somethign we don't understand, or something that has happened in our lives that we haven't worked through yet. Well, in Casey I am able to write about both subjects. I haven't worked through the lose of his and I friendship, partly because I don't understand why it happened or how he was able to simply shut down emotion. IN case you don't know what happened was this... I called him one day after being asked to go to see Equallibrium with a bunch of people, yet I was not able to comply because Mike and Anjali were going and I was not yet comfortable with that. It fact I wasn't able to breath at the thought of spending that entire night with thte two of them together. EEP! (over it now though) Anyway, I called Casey crying, and when I am emotional I get carried away. I believe I told him I wasn't going adn that he should just be friends with Mike because I didn't want him t ohave to choose who he hung out with, and them I mumbled more random things and told him I was sorry for calling him before his test and then I hung up. Now, as a result of this Casey told me he went into emotional shut down and stopped caring about me all together because he had to make it through his test, adn just kept it that way. Here is where I get messed up. I understand he needed to get through his test. Got that much, but what I don't understand is why he just stopped caring. WHAT THE F*$%! Isn't this how it works.. your friend is hurt and in truoble so you are concerned about them and even if you can't help them you continue to care and help them when you can? Hmm... I have never stopped caring about anyone who has touached my life. I may not like them, but I don't not care. I would be there for him in a heart beat. And when he comes up to me at school I wouldn't high tail it outta there! Argh! THe thing also is the reason I called in tears had nothing to do with him, I called him because he was my friend and I needed him. He had no reason what so ever to be mad at me! NONE! So, my thoughts turn to what is the real reason behind this that he doesn't want to tell me. Is it because I went out with Frank that night and he and I became what we are then? Is it because I had become so close with Casey yet nothing more resulted from it, which he wanted to an extent.. and did make known of it. I am sorry... I was clear in my intentions, if that was the true reason behind him letting go. My thoughts go to this reason mainly because I hadn't talked to him again until Frank and I were a couple and I believe he found out through one of our other friends. And like I said Casey and I had become closer. Anyway, I still cry over the loss of his friendship. Frank has a hard time with that. He doesn't like to see me cry. It makes him upset. So, once again tragedy leads to good writing. Later all... peace.
posted by lauren at 12:29 PM

Good morning everyone! I am up way to early for a test that I either passed with flying colors or failed miserably. I am not sure yet, because I either knew it or really really didn't know it (so I had to guess on 45% of the test) The last few days have been up and down a lot for me. I have been either completely happy, or completely miserable. I kinda wish there was some sort of happy medium between the two. Or shorter stays of sad and longer stays of happy. I miss everyone a lot: Mike, Jacob, Casey, Denny, TJ, Anjali, myself. It is hard be so disconnected from your own set of friends all the time for one reason or another. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with Frank as much as possible, but I get lonely for the rest of the people I used to be close with. I actaully get jealous of Frank because he has so many close friends and I don't really have any anymore, except for him... and what happens if something happens to him and I? I am without really anyone to turn to because I have no freinds at school, and everyone else is busy leading their own lives. This bothered me consistantly for a long time now. I guess I better just pray that Frank doesn't go anywhere. Although I am fairly confident that he and I would have ended up best friends had we not fgotten together anyway, due to the path we were headed on before we knew it was a possiblility for more. Anyway, Classes are going ok I think. I just had test this week in three of them and they are all I either passed or failed and I am not such which. We shall see! I am looking forward to my two days of Valentine's with Frank. Thursday which is actual date night because he has school until eleven on Friday, and then late Friday when we hook up for the midnight DareDevil! WE haven't been out out in so long that I am starting to go stir crazy! Also, Mike's birthday is coming up and I am stuck on what to get him. This has never happened before. I have always known what to get him, but now because I am so detached I don't know what he wants, or needs, or doesn't already have. HUFF! Oh well. I will think of something. And if not there are always gift receipts for returns. :) Anywho.. I go for now. I can't think of any other breaking news or emo- throw up!

Oh Frank did write me a poem this week. It was very cute.. even if it did rhyme! Love you baby. Have a good day all!
posted by lauren at 8:55 AM

I have comments! WOOT! AND I CODED! All by myself! HEHE! I am such a dork!
posted by lauren at 11:45 PM

In response to Frank's last post:

Dear Frank,

I love you very much. You are my best friend and so much more than that and I am so glad that fate, or whatever controls the universe, brought us together. Although we do have disagreements about things from time to time, you always are thinking about ways to make me happy and smile. You actually make the effort with me that a relationship needs to succeed and for that I thank you. You too mean the world to me and I don't want to imagine the world without you in my life in one way or another.

You always accept me for who I am and love me in a truly unconditional way and that is so very rare. I am lucky because now I have someone I can talk to about anything and not worry what will happen when I do. I love talking with you, spending time with you, and being in your arms at night.

I love your ambition and your passion for music, movies, people, and life. I love the fact that when I am cold, you give me your jacket even though you are freezing yourself. I love your eyes and your smile. I love the way you are with your friends and how you are with your family. I will have to admit I don't always love your sense of humor, but I do love how happy it makes you. (So I don't mind it, and sometimes even enjoy the fifth grade mentality) I love the fact that you are content to listen to me talk and lay around in my room, but you are also up for going out with me too. I love your willingness to give until it hurts. I love the way you hold the small of my back when we stand facing each other. I love the fact that you remember all the good times, and try to let go of the bad. I love you because you are the only person who truly knows me. The only person that may ever truly know me and I thank God for that closness with you. I love you because when I am with you I actually retrieve a sense of who I really am. Even when I lose control I find my way again, being myself, with you.

I could go on but I am sure others are tired of this by now.. So the bottom line is: I love you baby. We will work through it.
posted by lauren at 10:34 PM

That Quiz! It is sad but true. Although I think I more act goofy than look goofy. Maybe I look goofy while acting goofy. I don't know. Don't mind me.
posted by lauren at 10:16 PM

Come take the Comprehensive DDR Personality Test!

Created by ptocheia


posted by lauren at 10:15 PM

Reflection
By: Lauren Sorger


Flashes in the mirror reflecting an image.

An image of the girl that was, the girl who is, and the girl that will be.

An image that was formed by love, corrupted by hate, and held strong by experience.

The reflection varies with time and ages with memory.

The reflection is ever moving, ever growing .

What is seen is based on feeling, based on life.

The image is everlasting; it lives throughout eternity.

The image is of the soul, the person who is here, was here, and now is gone.



posted by lauren at 1:50 AM

Here's some poetry. It is old. But I liked it once.
posted by lauren at 1:44 AM

Broken Wings
By: Lauren Sorger

With broken wings i lay trembling in the cold
to afraid to fly
waiting for the darkness to over take my fallen soul
please save from this torment
I don’t want to live here anymore

posted by lauren at 1:43 AM

Lift me up
By: Lauren Sorger


Lift me up, raise me high; higher into the light

Save me from this life that I no longer want to live

Save me from myself because I can’t turn away from the flame

The fire burns so bright, attracting me to it’s flickering light

There is nothing I can do to stop it

It is so beautiful, I want to be within the warmth

Pull me within the safety of your light

I need to be within

To keep warm without being engulfed by the flame

It calls to me, I can no longer resist it’s siren like cry to become one with me

What can I do?

I am sorry

I loved you so much but I am no longer strong enough to resist

and you can no longer lift me up




posted by lauren at 1:42 AM

Darkness
By: Lauren Sorger

In the stillness of the empty depths of a lost soul

The endless screaming cries out for the light

In the cold of the black recess, I sit and wait for you to save me

Save me from this world of darkness that I have created around myself

Around my mind and around my heart

As you reach out for me in the blinding light of salvation, I turn away

Not wanting you to pity me in the hell that has become my world

Not wanting you to see me in fallen glory

The longing for your touch consumes me, but I can not bring myself to reach out for to you

Not wanting you to feel the true me, in fear that you won't like what you see

I hear the words I love you ecoh throughout my body

I can feel you holding my body, and I can remember the pleasure your touch gave me every time you

Reached for the flesh that is no longer pink and full of life

What used to be life is now covered in shadow in the darkness I now call home.

posted by lauren at 1:41 AM

Bound in Chains
By: Lauren Sorger




Bound in Chains, twisting in image and soul.
The only light visible is the one in memory.
Breath lifelessly passes over your lips as the hounds of hell thrash about your body waiting for conformity or death, which ever comes first.
You've already given up; there's no way to win.
Snarling is the only sound and it consumes your brain, as the demon reaches within
your heart, soul, and head.
Insanity looms as it consumes your thoughts.
It's almost over now; the end is close at hand.
The last attempt at struggle is what seals your impending doom.
Your soul is his now, and he will never let it go.
The beast lunges forward at your throat, ripping and tearing, hallowing out the
poor shell of a human soul.
The taste is sweet, victory is sweet.
That's one more for the darkness.
The next time I see you, you'll be one of them, snarling and foaming at the mouth.
A mindless slave to the darkness, you'll try to consume my flesh and spirit; you'll try to kill me. I know you will, but I forgive you.
I love you, even bound in chains.


posted by lauren at 1:40 AM

DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT! Ok well my record for happiness is at three days now. WHY? What did I do to constantly have this cosmic joke played on me for all of my eternity. Ok lauren here you go you can be happy now! Hahaha made you look. In the words of Shane, "Slow day God?" I mean really lets think.. Every close friend I have ever had either hates me now, or doesn't ever talk to me, every time I fall in love something happens and it is impossible to continue on, or work sucks because.. well work sucks, or the one true friend I have left has a hard time being around me because hurting he feels, etc. etc. etc. The only thing that goes well is school... now watch that go done the tubes. Ugh. Whatever. No don't pity me. I am sure I deserve it. I don't know why this much. But God will let me know one day. I am sorry to all those I have hurt, and to all those who have hurt me. This bitching is making me hate me. It is useless isn't it? I will be the perfect teacher for this course at UCF that teaches death and depression within 18th, 19th, and 20th century literature. Until later.. peace.
posted by lauren at 1:13 AM

" We're sharing one eternity, living in two minds. Linked by and endless thread, impossible to break." - Dream Theatre.
posted by lauren at 3:53 AM

Eureeka's Castle! You enjoy spending time with your
pet Dragon and doing spells.


What's Your 90's Nickelodeon Show?
brought to you by Quizilla
posted by lauren at 3:38 AM

I feel so wonderful. I have never been more connected with one person in my life! Mind, body, and soul. I am always connected at the heart with others but never all three at once. I have never had someone who was truly a friend and love and someone I could tell anything to and not be afraid of their response, because I know it doesn't matter. His love is unconditional and we will work through it. Damn.. I feel so .... happy. Wow... Happy! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY! Now, don't you worry, those of you out there who like my depressing rants. Creative writing is always good for triggering that, because that is the class I think about life the most, and the way things have happened in life or how they are going to happen. I love that class sooo much! The teacher is very inspiring and it is in the simpliest way. He gives you direction through exploration of your own thoughts. He allows you to create with gentle guidence and the result is amazing. Everyone needs a professor like him! I am sooo tired now. But I don't care. It is wonderful for the first time in a long time to be alive! Beauty is everywhere and the questioning that I do about the world is only a part of that beauty.. not a obsticle. Alhtough many things make me sad still, I believe I will survive this life. I never truly believed it before. Thank you Frank and the rest of the people who are there for me.. Namely Mike, Anjali, and Jacob. Love you all very much!
posted by lauren at 3:27 AM

I really only have five minutes in which to do this blog, because I have a test in fifteen. I really have been thinking a lot about old friends who are no longer friends, one in particular by his own will. I really miss him. He was a good friend. I miss talking to him and his intellect and his humor, which was often dry.. but always funny no matter what form it took on. I often reach for my phone to call him, but why would I do so to be met with nothing. I have a ahrd time stopping caring, even if it is better that I do so. I just can't accomplish it. So, for his sake I will do as he did and try not to approach him about it ( although I know this will result in failure ) because that is the way he wanted it to be. No feeling, no show of emotion toward that person because it is easier that way for him. At the time that it happened orginally, he said that it wasn't easy. I want to believe him. But how can I believe that when he changed his vision of me in less than fifteen minutes. And now he cares about people more (who never cared half as much as I do) and never thinks of what has happened. I miss my companion.

On other fronts: The monster truck show was good. A lot more fun than I thought it could be. I love red neck spotting! And my relationship with Frank is going well. I love you baby! Other than that? I am working at Subway. It is ok. I would rahter not be working in food though. However, everyone there is nice. And now I am late for my test so until later, I love you all! Have a good day.
posted by lauren at 9:53 AM